A Brief List of Conservative Men Who Need to Be Punched in the Balls

The Rude Pundit warms up his ball-kicking foot.--SS

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A Brief List of Conservative Men Who Need to Be Punched in the Balls:

1. Fox "news" Radio reporter Todd Starnes, who, waxing patriotic to Sean Hannity about the white people of Dixville Notch, New Hampshire, voting in their primary this morning, really said, "I love this, this is what America is all about. Like you said, no hanging chads, we didn’t see any Black Panthers with baseball bats. These were good, American folks going to do their patriotic duty." Remember: Black Panthers are not good Americans. And that toad-faced fuck needs to be socked in the sack. (Side note: "Dixville Notch" sounds like a cute name for "vagina.")

2. New York Times columnist David Brooks, who twists history like a pair of contortionists trying to have sex in a tiny box. In today's version of "No, Really, I'm Not a Smug Elitist Cockmonger," Brooks tries to figure out "Where Are the Liberals?" His answer, strangely, is not that a prolonged period of demonization by the American right, stretching back to at least Reagan, if not Nixon, echoed by the corporate media with little or no actual dissent being allowed a fair hearing for at least three decades (and possible four), gave the self-identifier "liberal" the same connotation as "Communist traitor piece of shit who'll stab Uncle Sam with an American flag and beat Lady Liberty to death with a bald eagle corpse," compounded by a raping of the remnants of liberalism in the wake of the 9/11 attacks. No, strangely, Brooks does not mention any of that. Instead, he blames mistrust of the federal government and the way that both Democrats and Republicans work for the benefit of the wealthy, although sometimes for people that average white people don't like. Oddly, Brooks doesn't mention that it was Republicans who worked to turn Americans against believing that the government could make their lives easier and, in doing so, made it so that government could make corporate lives easier, lying that making corporate lives easier makes the average citizen's life easier, thus making the average citizen's life harder and, with the aforementioned demonization of anything even vaguely liberal under the hated (and wrong) banner of socialism, Americans had nowhere to turn but to ignorance, God and guns, don't you know, which is easily manipulated by the aforementioned media and the aforementioned politicians, and that, if Brooks were honest, which he is most emphatically not, he would say that individual liberal beliefs actually poll quite well, but because the only organizing philosophy is hated liberalism, which is...and, oh, hell, it'd just be easier to kick Brooks in the nads and walk away.

3. Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who said yesterday that it's snobby to think that all kids should go to college. No, really: "Who are you? Who are you to say that every child in America go...I mean the hubris of this president to think that he knows what’s best for you. I...you know there is...I have seven kids. Maybe they’ll all go to college. But, if one of my kids wants to go and be an auto mechanic, good for him. That’s a good-paying job – using your hands and using your mind. This is the kind of, the kind of snobbery that we see from those who think they know how to run our lives. Rise up America. Defend your own freedoms."

First off, a starting auto mechanic makes around $30,000 a year in New Hampshire, so, hey, Rick Santorum's kids, your Dad wants you to live at less than 1.5 times the poverty level for a family of four (and you will breed, being Rick Santorum's kids).

Second off, what the motherfuck is Santorum talking about? As Charles Blow points out, President Obama has never said that: "The president has consistently framed the discussion as one of making high school graduates both college- and career-ready. And even when speaking about learning after high school, he has often included both higher education and vocational training."

And, third off, when did it stop being the dream of Americans to want their kids to go to school so they could get an education? And how does it require rising up to defend freedom? Wasn't the point of Santorum's "my grandpa was a filthy coal miner" story about how generations of Americans get opportunities because of the work of their parents?

Jesus, on the list of things a conservative could attack Obama on, the hope that children get educated should probably be below "choice of dog breed" and "that weird mole."